That One Time I Went to Japan and Was Reminded How Small the World Is

Once upon a time my friend Monika (yes, the same Monika I went to the swingers club with), said she was going to go to Japan to “leaf peep” the fall leaves, and asked if I wanted to come with her. At this point I was deep in my extremely frustrating home remodel, and needed a break. Coupled with the fact that I could fly anywhere international that year for only $150, I jumped at the chance to get away.

I met up with Monika in Osaka, and that first night broke the first of the millions of rules that seem to exist in Japan. We went to get sushi, and I apparently kept using the wrong soy sauce for the wrong sushi because the chef kept running over and correcting me. Y’all I had no idea there were so many kinds of soy sauce. There’s spray soy sauce, paint on with a paintbrush soy sauce, pour over soy sauce, sweet soy sauce, salty soy sauce - it was a lot. Even after all the correcting, I have no idea which goes with which fish, or why.

The next day we decided to go to Nara because we had read a lot about all the deer there, and it was on our way to Kyoto. Neither one of us speaks a bit of Japanese, and almost no one there spoke English, so thank God for google maps. We would type in our destination and would immediately be told what station, platform, direction, and color train to get on, and they were always right on time - it was super impressive.

Anyway, Nara was lovely. There were literally deer everywhere in the city, just roaming around, taking selfies with tourists, and begging snacks from everyone. They would even bow at you to get crackers! Add in a lush landscape and picturesque temples, and you’ve got a magical day.

On my way to Japan I remembered that I had a friend living in Kyoto, so our first night there we met up with him and his boyfriend, Kazu, for dinner. It was so nice having someone who spoke Japanese with us, and to order for us! I was so impressed that my friend David had assimilated so well into Japanese life after only a year in the country.

The next day he went with us to a few temples, and helped us figure out what to see and eat. At one point he said, “Can I ask you a Facebook question?” Having no idea what on earth he would ask I said sure, and he said, “How do you know Ben Devlin?” I was confused, but explained that I met Ben in San Francisco through my friend Mitchell when I was there and we all hung out, and then again in New York when we made Christmas cookies last Christmas. David said, “Oh, so you like know him, know him?” I laughed, said I guessed, and asked why. “Well, he’s Kazu’s ex-boyfriend.” My jaw dropped. Somehow this Kiwi I met in San Francisco, then hung out with again in New York City, used to date my friend’s Japanese boyfriend in Kyoto. I couldn’t believe it. When I told this story to a friend later, he just said, “Huh. Weird.” When I said that this was insane, and asked why he wasn’t more shocked he shrugged and said “Well, I mean if anyone else told me this story, yes, it would have been shocking. But it’s you, so I’m not really surprised.” This story still blows my mind.

Mon and I decided to take a day trip to see the bamboo forest, and to check out the Onsen, fully nude Japanese spas, that we’d been hearing about. The bamboo forest was cool, but we decided the real attraction was the guys who pull the little carriage/carts people can ride in - yummy! (As Mon said, the photos don’t do him justice - these were screenshots from a video…a video I could watch over and over and not be bored of.)

At the Onsen I was once again breaking rules. First, you aren’t allowed if you have tattoos, so I made sure to cover mine with band-aids. As with anywhere in Japan, you have to take your shoes off upon entering, but before getting in the water I decided to go pee. In the bathroom they have little slippers for you to wear, and soon I was walking back towards the locker room followed by a small, frantic woman, screaming at me in Japanese and pointing at my feet. I had forgotten to take the bathroom slippers off, and you’d have thought I murdered this lady’s baby. After returning the offending slippers to their rightful home, Mon and I showered and slipped into one of the many hot and cold pools on offer. It was so wonderful and relaxing, and we were having a great time until I looked down and realized the band-aid covering one of my tattoos was no longer on me. I immediately freaked out because 1) I wasn’t supposed to be there with tattoos, and 2) this meant there was a band-aid floating around somewhere, ready to disgust some unsuspecting bather. I ran around from pool to pool trying to look as casual as possible, but finally gave up and sat on the edge of a cold pool. A minute later I watched a band-aid lazily float to the surface before quickly grabbing it and saying a quick prayer of thanks.

The whole time a Japanese woman was watching me - I feel it’s almost redundant saying “Japanese woman” all the time because 99% of the time Mon and I were the only white people around - and finally smiled and said, “First time in Onsen? So hot, so cold for you, no?” and then giggled, pleased with herself and her English. I responded and then she giggled again and scurried away.

The next day Mon and I were going to a different part of the city, so we had to go to a different train station than normal. Our airbnb was way off the beaten path, and this train station seemed even more obscure. In spite of all that, as Mon and I sat down, I looked up to be face to face with the giggling woman from the Onsen! Kyoto is a city of 1.5 million people, and the Onsen wasn’t even in Kyoto, but a town half an hour outside of Kyoto. Crazy.

The rest of our time was spent temple hopping, searching for coffee without sugar (for some reason we thought that each day we went to the supermarket somehow that day we would magically be able to read Japanese and figure out which coffee to get - we never did), teaching our English classes in our tiny room, and breaking more rules - chopstick rests serve a purpose.

Mon basically loved everything about Japan, and kept saying she wanted to move there. I, on the other hand, wasn’t a huge fan. Don’t get me wrong, it was beautiful, but I just always felt so out of place and not just because I’m American. Everyone was so polite, and quiet, and orderly, and I just felt like I was walking on eggshells all the time, ready for someone to come yell at me for whatever rule I was breaking next. Mon kept commenting on how she loved how quiet it was on the subway, and in the streets, but I just kept dreaming of all the raucous noise of the subway performers, and people on the streets blasting reggaeton from their cell phones in Barcelona. I love the noise and the color and the craziness of Barcelona! I also couldn’t get over all the plastic in Japan. It seemed like every single thing was wrapped in plastic. Single pieces of fruit, umbrellas upon entering stores, bags received special plastic covers upon leaving stores if it was raining; Monika even sent me a photo of when she got her hair done because they gave her ear condoms - it was just a lot. Also, airbnbs there apparently aren’t allowed to provide towels or else it makes them a hotel, or something like that, so I ended up using my pillowcase as a towel. It was as annoying as it sounds.

Overall I’m super glad I went, and especially with Mon and David, and thought visually it was stunning, but it was honestly the first time I was actually ready to go home at the end of a trip.

Fushimi Inari Temple. This little spot was my fave of the whole trip.