A Thanksgiving Reflection

This year has been weird, and awful, and stressful, and disheartening, but it has also been restful, and hopeful, and good. Covid has caused us to strip away everything non-essential, and to focus on what we do have.

There are so many things I take for granted: going out to eat, hanging out with friends, hugging (as a single person, physical touch is non-existent), seeing people smile… So many things I never thought twice about before, but have been forced to sit back and live without, and truly miss.

However, I’ve also been given the gift of time. Sure there were times back in March during lockdown that I wanted to bang my head against the wall from boredom, but what a luxury boredom is! During all that time of being bored, I realized I’m never bored; I stop it before it starts. I can’t even sit through a stoplight without glancing at my phone or doing a quick social media scroll. It’s ridiculous. I didn’t realize all this immediately though. It wasn’t until everything opened up again and I was meeting up with a friend that I declared how ready I was for another quarantine. After just a couple weeks I was already feeling stressed and frenzied, and overwhelmed, and longed for the days of staring at my walls, or catching up on TV shows - another luxury I rarely indulge in normally.

I resumed counseling in September, and remember how desperate I was in July when I’d made that appointment. I was sad, and bored, and lonely, and feeling anything but thankful for my circumstances. But then at the appointment I found myself bubbling over with joy as I recounted all the things I’d been doing during quarantine, and discovering about myself. I had started sewing, and painting, and doing more photography, and building things, and cooking more, and finally got on a schedule with my blog. I’d been doing all the things I’ve been telling myself I’d do for years. All those days I was feeling so unproductive and thinking I wasn’t getting anything done, I was giving myself much needed rest. I was resting my body, and resting my brain so that I could be filled with wonder and inspiration again. Staring at the flowers one day made me get out a paintbrush. Looking through old photos and thinking about past trips led me to pivot on my blog. By being mandated not to leave my house, I was forced to take in my surroundings, actually see them - notice the seasons changing, the flowers blooming, the bees buzzing about, the squirrels jumping from tree to tree, and this inspired me to pick up my camera more. What I saw as fruitless, was actually bearing the sweetest fruit I’d had in years. Now at the end of the day I recount all the things I did do, instead of focusing on all the items left uncrossed on my to-do list - this has been incredibly encouraging for me and really shifts my focus to more positive and affirming thoughts towards myself.

With the pandemic still raging, we were forced back into work. Teaching is hard. Teaching online is exponentially harder. I’ve been more stressed than I’ve ever been with work, and have worked harder than I’ve ever worked. But it has shown me just how much I appreciate my students and seeing them everyday; how much I enjoy the mundane banter of everyday life, seeing them in the hallways and walking into my room. Those small daily interactions I never thought twice about before, I long for now, and can’t wait until they return - I will be thankful for them. And I’ve also realized what a damn good teacher I am. In spite of all the circumstances, my students are thriving. They are hearing Spanish, and speaking Spanish, and writing Spanish, and learning about new and fascinating cultures. We are “pivoting” and adapting, and seeing just how capable and strong we all are.

I was also thinking the other day about how much I’m missing traveling and all my friends and family in foreign lands. But I also thought about how lucky I am to have those things to miss. So many people make excuses to defer dreams - “I need to save more money, I need to find someone to go with me, I need to XYZ” - but I haven’t. I’ve been living my dreams for over a decade now, and I am so appreciative of all the wonderful stories and friendships I’ve been able to reflect on during this time. Instead of being filled with regret at not doing the things I’ve always wanted to do, I am happy in knowing that I have done what I can, and will continue again once all this passes. Having Google Hangs, and Whatsapp conversations, and Instagram voice messages and videos with my people all over the world has been such a bright spot in the midst of all this - to know that people in other countries are thinking about me, and care enough to send a video or call just fills me with warm fuzzies. I’m so thankful I don’t have to sit here and wallow in regret and self-pity, but can instead celebrate my joys and accomplishments.

And I’m also thankful that if I’m stuck with someone this whole time, that it’s me. I’m thankful that I have hobbies and goals and dreams to work on and towards. I’m an interesting person, and I do interesting things. During these months I’ve taught myself how to build a bookshelf, how to make roman blinds and drapes, how to re-design my own website, and how to do better portrait photography. I’ve been consistent on my blog, I’ve started a new side hustle - 2 actually!, and I’ve made my house a home - a space full of art and personality. I’ve supported friends in their endeavors, and I’ve read books with my book club crew. And I’ve also been flat out, gloriously bored.

I have no naive hopes that the calendar changing to 2021 will magically make all the shit that’s been part of this year too go away, but I do fear that it will slowly start inching us back towards “normal.” My hope is that this year won’t just be tossed aside as a loss, but that we will continue reaping its hidden benefits for years to come; that each passing week and month, we will start to see the fruits of this boring, tumultuous, difficult, glorious time that caused us all to slow down.

Amen.