That One Time I Got Poop in My Mouth

Ok, well technically poop water, but I’m getting ahead of myself…

Once upon a time I lived with 4 girls. We lived in a big old house off of Mass Street in Lawrence. Three of the four girls I knew from my house church group, and the fourth girl was somehow connected to the other girls. Four of us lived upstairs, and the unconnected girl lived in a room downstairs. She had a long term boyfriend and we rarely saw her. I actually ended up rooming with her again the following year in a different house, but that’s another story for another day…

In this house there was a half bathroom downstairs, and only one full bathroom - thus only one shower - for all five of us. The full bathroom was right between my bedroom and G’s bedroom. I was completely overwhelmed by college, and could never figure out why I was the only one working so hard, and everything was so easy for everyone else. Because of this, I spent a lot of time alone, studying, while everyone else hung out. I also spent a lot of time in my bedroom simply because our house was freezing cold, and I had a space heater. Even though there were five of us splitting bills, they still refused to turn the heat past 65, and that house was drafty. My rebuttal was to hole up in my room and crank my little heater. Living with these girls was not the year-long slumber party I had imagined.

A few months into this living situation, a shitty thing started happening - literally. I would go into the bathroom to shower, or to use the toilet, and would find the toilet full of shit. The first time it happened I was shocked, but simply tried to flush the toilet. I quickly realized why the shit was left in the toilet - it wouldn’t flush - so it had to be plunged. I sucked it up and did it. And then it happened again. I think I was equally shocked the second time. Were we not twenty-something adult women? Was something as simple as taking care of our own “business” too difficult for us college-educated babes? I couldn’t figure it out, but once again I plunged, and went on my way.

But then, it started happening all the time. Like literally every time I went into the full bathroom I would end up plunging someone else’s shit. And as though plunging someone else’s shit isn’t bad enough, the plunger did this horrific thing where it would invert suddenly and splash the poop water in my face. I’d say I did this at least a dozen times before I couldn’t take it anymore. I’d tried to ignore it, and I’d tried to deal with it, but nothing was making the situation any better.

So I left a note.

The note was simple and to the point, something to the effect of: I don’t know who is not flushing the toilet after themselves, but I am tired of plunging it, so please make sure you take care of it yourself. I don’t remember the exact wording, but it wasn’t mean, it was simply to the point. Also, I seriously had no idea which girl it was.

The next day G felt the need to give me a big lecture about my note. She yelled at me in the kitchen about how “leaving notes isn’t the way adults deal with situations like this,” and how I needed to speak to the girl directly. I told her adults didn’t leave their shit for others to flush either, but here we were. Also, I still didn’t know who it was. “Um, so what, I’m just supposed to pull each of you aside and be like ‘look, are you the one shitting in the toilet and not flushing? Are you the one whose shit I have to plunge everyday? Please stop, ok?’ I’m pretty sure none of you would own up to that, and it would be super awkward for the offender.” She just continued droning on about how childish my behavior was.

You know what though? The shit stopped after that.

I’ve been reminded of this story a lot lately at work. Many mornings I go into the bathroom, and there isn’t full on shit in the toilet, but there are…remnants. The first time or two, I just did a flush before I went to the bathroom, but I finally just switched bathrooms. As a non-public pooper it really blows my mind. I’ve literally gone poop in one public bathroom - ever - and that was only because I was in Guatemala with e. coli, about to climb a volcano, and had to go in a gas station. I’ve never once used the bathroom at work or school to do number two. When I was in the dorms freshmen year I drove home every weekend, mainly so I could finally poop. When I went to Spain the first time, I didn’t poop for fourteen days. When I went on mission trips with my church, they would literally count the meals as I ate them, knowing I wasn’t pooping the entire time we were there - “Ope. There goes meal number 14 down the hatch!” Who are these unabashed shitters that so openly leave their shit on view for others?! I’m all for people feeling open enough to do their business in public places, but for the love of all that is holy, do not make others have to deal with it in any way. Do a courtesy flush. Double check the bowl before you exit. Be an adult.