That One Time I Did Online Dating

Once upon a time I was in the throes of the Pandemic, halfway through my summer normally spent in Spain, and I made a terrible realization: I only date in Spain. I’ve thought about this before, but this was the first time I truly realized what it meant in the pandemic - 2 solid years without a date.

Look, I know it’s kind of weird, but this is the pattern I’ve fallen into. Wichita is my work country, and Spain is my fun country. I am constantly working while I’m in Kansas so that I can afford to do all the fun things I like to do in Spain, which leaves very little time for anything else, especially dating. There’s also the whole issue of it not being super easy to meet people in Wichita. The longer I’m single, the more I realize some cities are more single-friendly than others, and Wichita is a very couple and family-friendly city, but not so much single-friendly. In Barcelona I go places by myself all the time, restaurant, bars, events, and always manage to meet people effortlessly, but when I go places by myself in Wichita, I usually remain by myself the whole night - people don’t just approach me, sitting by myself in a restaurant is “weird” and uncommon, and when you go to events here everyone is already with someone else - singles just don’t seem to go out by themselves here; whole events have to be created for “singles.” I even manage to have better luck at people “sliding into my DMs” in Spain than here, which has literally never happened to me in the states.

Anyway, I was thinking about all this and decided I needed to take action because two years is a very long time without a date. And to be completely transparent, I was thinking about all the good stories my friend Erin got out of her online dating journey, and I’m running out of stories, so I thought it would give me good fodder. I was also feeling pretty lonely in isolation from the world, living all by myself.

I eventually signed up for Bumble - my first foray into the world of online dating. It took me two days just to open it though because I felt so weird about it, and then a couple more days to start swiping, because I just felt mean swiping left on people. After a couple swipes I got over that though, and within 30 minutes I had reached the end of Bumble. I think I had swiped right on 5 people, but one of them was purely by accident because I saw a little star in the corner and clicked it not knowing it would “SUPER SWIPE!” and then found out the guy had SUPER SWIPED on me too, and then I was in a real pickle. One of the other guys was apparently from Kansas City, and just happened to have his Bumble open as he drove through Wichita…really? I mean…really? You’re just gonna sit there as you drive through the state swiping on people as you come across any signs of life? Cray.

The other 3 guys were kinda duds. On Bumble the girl has to start the conversation, so I did, and then apparently I was expected to carry it. Um, no. If I ask you a question and you give a short response, with no follow-up, “Thank you, next!” One of the guys seemed semi-interesting though and was a pilot who had a private plane, so I was intrigued enough to give him my phone number when requested. After an hour long conversation that was, again, semi-interesting, I agreed to meet him for a socially distanced date.

We agreed to meet at a small airport outside of Wichita that also had a bar and restaurant. We sat 6 feet away from each other on the patio as we drank beer and watched the small planes land. The guys was decent looking, and seemed okay enough, but nothing to really write home about. He droned on and on about different airplanes, and airplane parts, and how airplanes work, and I just kept thinking, “Dude. I don’t want to hear about planes, I want to ride in planes.” Also, I was wearing a backless shirt with a sticky bra, and it was sweltering, and I could feel the sweat infiltrating the bra causing it to slip precipitously…

In spite of all that though, I wasn’t completely miserable or bored out of my mind, and was desperate for human interaction at this point in the pandemic, so when he suggested we “do it again sometime,” I said sure, and I meant it.

But then, he ruined it.

He walked me to my car, like a gentleman, and I turned to unlock my door. Suddenly - and I still don’t really understand how it happened so fast - the guy has whirled me around, and is kissing me. Like full on the mouth kissing. In a pandemic. After I’d been so careful to keep my distance the whole night. What?! I was instantly infuriated. Like, I don’t know you, and I don’t know where your filthy, possibly COVID-ridden mouth has been.

I jumped in my car, peeled out, and drove home as fast as I could trying to process what had just happened. When he texted me the next day, I didn’t respond. He never attempted again, and I promptly deleted my Bumble account.

I don’t know how my other girlfriends did it for years on end, but that just wasn’t for me. As such, this is sadly the only story I will have from my dip in the online dating pool. It is rough out there, folks, and suddenly 2 years doesn’t seem that long.