One Year In

One year ago I was left completely disillusioned by yet another guy. One year ago I was positive I would be single my entire life. One year ago I was telling my counselor I was making self-sabotaging dating decisions and wanted to know how to stop and he said, “Keep making those decisions. The only way out is through!" I thought that was the most terrible advice I’d ever heard, but it was easier to follow than not, so I did. One year ago I received a random Facebook message from someone I’d briefly met twenty years prior asking if I wanted to go for a drink to discuss my recent blog post on loneliness. I did some sleuthing and found out the message sender was in a hot mess situation, but with the words of my counselor in mind, I agreed. One year ago my life was suddenly split into before and after.

I think a lot about all the twists and turns my life has taken in order for me to be exactly where I am. On June 13th I wrote,

“Younger Kelsey never really knew what to expect or hope for, but had she dared, I think it would be this exact life. Knowing I’ve stayed true to myself; have just let one thing lead to the next in the most magical organic way - holding onto dreams but not too tightly as to choke out opportunities better than I could have imagined on my own - being open to the beauty and mystery of the universe and higher beings that can see beyond my own limited visions. Splitting open my tiny ideas of happiness and beauty to show me just how much more infinitely grand they can be.”

Growing up in the church I constantly heard about “God’s plan” for me and how much bigger and grander it would be than anything I could dream up on my own and honestly, I scoffed. I was already dreaming big, and nothing could be better than my dreams. And then I met Brett. My love for him has “split open my tiny ideas of happiness and beauty” and is so much “bigger and grander” than I ever would have even known to hope for. For years I was trying to articulate and look for the things I wanted in a partner, and suddenly they all showed up in this one magical person.

He is one of the most intelligent people I know. His patience knows no bounds. He always speaks kindly and respectfully. He is extremely successful in his field. He is one of the most thoughtful people I know. He is an excellent communicator. He is confident in who he is and knows his worth. He thinks deeply, and listens deeply. He makes me feel as though I am more than enough, and at the same time makes me want to be a better me. He is so much fun and always makes me laugh. He makes me feel like I’m safe and at home.

I told the last guy I dated that I often think of a quote I once read, “A woman in love is a flower in bloom,” and how with him I felt like a dead shriveled plant. He thought that was pretty funny. I did not. With my current boyfriend, I finally feel like I’m blooming. I will never forget how light I felt after our first date. I had been feeling like I lost my sparkle, darkness creeping in - I didn’t feel fun anymore. One date with Brett and it was as though all the shuttered and boarded up entries to my soul were thrown open - I could see; I could breathe; I could feel joy again.

Loving him has been the easiest thing I have ever done. And somehow it has also been the hardest. Loving him has laid me bare. It has forced me to look hard at my own beliefs, actions, and motivations, and at just how petty and selfish I can be. It has me constantly evaluating and strengthening my values, and ensuring that I am living with integrity and authenticity. These are hard things. But I believe they are good and worth choosing daily.

In this one year we have had to deal with issues of divorce and child custody, of sharing space and time, of adjusting expectations and priorities. But I have also laughed and had more fun than in many years combined; I have learned and grown more as a human than I could have imagined; and I have loved and felt loved in ways I never knew were possible. All that plus we were able to squeeze in two trips to Europe, multiple weekend road trips, and one family vacation. In short, it has been the best year of my life.

I have no idea what will happen tomorrow, or the next day. Maybe it will all end - I’m well aware that to most people one year is still so new and “the honeymoon stage”. But regardless of what happens, I’m so thankful for this beautiful year and all its love and lessons; for breaking open my assumptions and notions of what love can be.

I hope we continue doing things as mundane as watching Netflix together, and as extraordinary as watching the years go by. I love you so much, baby.