Loneliness

I’ve been learning a lot this past year about “yes, and.” How you can hold two contradictory ideas or feelings at the same time. There is no duality, just a spectrum.

For example, I am very lonely.

Yes, and…

I am very happy.

Normally we feel one or the other. The former is bad, the latter is good. But lately I’ve been feeling them both simultaneously. Like when I stood in front of the Spain section at Total Wine tonight and wept. Literally. I was so happy to see all the familiar bottles and names here in Wichita that remind me of fun moments in Spain. And so lonely knowing that no one else here would understand that feeling and my tears (especially the guy who kept secretly side-eyeing me and giving me a wide berth in the aisle). Or when I met a boy Saturday night who’s from Barcelona. My heart felt so happy just hearing his Catalan-tinged voice. And I cried all the way home thinking of all my friends an ocean away; those I feel most connected to, the most physically far from me. Or when I belly-laughed at my friend Roger’s message, “What time are we having slut soup tomorrow?” But it suddenly turned to sobs as I thought about how excited I was to see him tomorrow, but how lonely I would be all night tonight.

I feel like this week I’ve constantly been pulled in both directions. I’ve been feeling hurt, and unloved, and invisible, and then get a reminder from a friend continents away that “any energy or effort spent being loving isn’t energy wasted…You’re never in the wrong for your heart…especially for you, the person with the best heart of anyone I’ve ever known.” Or I get a message out of the blue on Instagram that turns into a surprising deep, and connecting conversation. Or I get to meet someone from Barcelona and instantly bond over language, and culture, and food in a way no one from Wichita could ever.

I’ve cried at my loneliness so many times this week, but every time it is punctuated by some incredibly happy moment, or I’m somehow reminded of the many beautiful people around me.

Two days ago I was really struggling in my loneliness so I went for a walk at the gym. I was in my own little melancholy world until a hand literally reached out. A friend stopped me to say hey and we ended up talking for almost 45 minutes about life, and connection, and loneliness. He reminded me that just by existing by being authentically who we are, we bring love and light to others. It sounds ridiculous to think about for yourself, but when I started thinking of others in my life it felt so true.

I’ve been single for over a decade now, and somehow that fact has just really started to hit me. Loneliness is not something I’ve ever struggled with or experienced until recently. Maybe it’s the holidays. Maybe it’s just me feeling my age. Maybe this is just a phase. Whatever it is, I will continue to laugh and cry - simultaneously if the feeling strikes. I will continue to love. I will continue to work this all out publicly because we sometimes need these reminders; we actually aren’t alone; we actually aren’t unloved and invisible; we actually aren’t crazy for feeling all the feels and being messy - it’s what makes us human.

So thank you to all my friends who have just existed and been authentically yourselves; it is enough, and I am greatly blessed by it.