On Saturday night, after talking to an old friend in the middle of a bar, I burst into tears. The guy who was with me asked me what was wrong, and knowing how completely unhinged I sounded, I managed to wail, “I just LOVE my people. I just know the best people.”

That’s how I love. Big. And Hard. And Intensely.

Another friend messaged me to ask how my weekend was going, and after I admitted it was a bit of a train wreck he said simply, “Ha. Oh, Kelsey. You deserve better.” A sentiment I’ve been told frequently as of late. From others, and myself. But as my counselor has told me many times, “You’re good at the logic. That’s your go-to, but being logical doesn’t help you here.”

Love is rough. Or infatuation. But really, aren’t they similar in the beginning?

And loneliness is hard. But being with someone and being lonely is harder.

There are so many movies, and tv shows, and real life examples I’ve seen of women being completely dumb over a guy. And we all sit there and roll our eyes, and judge, and scream, “Why can’t you see it?! Why are you letting this happen?!” But then one day we realize we’re that girl. And we do see it. And we do know it’s happening. But it’s too hard to fight. Or we don’t want to. Just hold onto the myth a bit longer…

Or maybe we’re not being dumb at all. Maybe we’re just trying to be brave. To open up again and be vulnerable. Even if we know from the beginning we’re doomed. Practice makes perfect, no?

None of it’s wasted. It’s all strengthening and refining. Whittling away. It’s teaching what we do want and value. And how to communicate clearly. And set boundaries. And see worth. How can you know you’ve got what you wanted if you didn’t even know what you were looking for?

I’ve always been told I’m great at seeing the beauty and potential in others. Which sometimes blinds me to reality. Or at least blurs it a bit; makes the sharp edges softer. And even if the outcome is not ideal, I still wouldn’t change it. I’d rather see the beauty and potential. I’d rather be true to me, and know I loved well. I’d rather continue being a quality person in a quantity-obsessed world. Because that’s what I’m good at, and that’s what the world needs.