I started following a Parisian street photographer, Kalel Koven, on Instagram a few years ago. We started messaging each other through the app, and I noticed he’s been doing an ongoing nude project. Last summer I messaged him and said that if he could meet me somewhere in Europe, I’d like to be part of his project - the thought of doing a nude photo shoot terrified me, and I’ve generally found that the things that terrify me are usually the most worthwhile things to do. Unfortunately, he was in the states that summer for a photography fellowship, so our ships never passed in the night.

This past year I’ve been acutely aware of my age. Being “on the market” is exhausting. There is constant pressure to get out and do things so that you can meet people. There is constant pressure to look good, and be super fit, and completely defy aging so that you’re desirable. And then once you make it past the initial stages you have to maintain it all until you’ve duped them into loving you!

And despite my continued efforts at the gym, and being almost militant about my sleep hygiene, I’ve been noticing lots of changes - extra pounds, more gray hairs, more wrinkles, everything starting to sag. Time is starting to turn on me. It’s as though my body feels the need to send me lots of little visual reminders that prime has been passed; we’re on the downward slope of the hill now.

I’ve already found myself in the trap of being dissatisfied with my body, only to desire that body the following year, so suddenly, it became imperative I do the nude shoot. No longer because it scared me - which it still did - but because I needed to document this body of mine that has been so good to me for so long before it became something else completely. Plus I kept thinking of Moira Rose from Schitt’s Creek:

Moira: I am suddenly overwhelmed with regret. It’s a new feeling for me, and I don’t find it at all pleasurable.

Stevie: You regret that embarrassing photos of you aren’t online?

Moira: No, I regret that they’re lost. They were the one perfect memorial to who I once was. And I should’ve appreciated those firm round mammae and callipygian ass while I had them.

Stevie: If you’re talking about your body, uh…I think you still look amazing.

Moira: Then allow me to offer you some advice: Take a thousand naked pictures of yourself now. You may currently think, “Oh, I’m too spooky.” Or, “Nobody wants to see these tiny boobies.” But, believe me, one day you will look at those photos with much kinder eyes and say, “Dear God, I was a beautiful thing!”

So the last week of my summer in Barcelona, the fates aligned, and Kalel hopped on a plane to come photograph me.

I knew Kalel’s work enough to know that it wouldn’t be some cheesy or tawdry boudoir shoot; it would be art - “the poetry of daily life.” And that’s just what it was. He ended up sending me almost 300 photos, and let me tell you, there are quite a few that were a little too real for me - wrinkles, cellulite, rolls and folds, etc. But there were also several that made me feel beautiful, and empowered, and seen - and isn’t that really what we all want?

I’m so thankful that Kalel made the immense effort of meeting me in another country to do this for me. I’m so thankful that Kalel was such a kindred spirit and able to see me more clearly and deeply than people I’ve known most of my life. I’m so thankful that I was brave enough to do something that scared me so that I can have this rare and exquisite keepsake. I’m so thankful for another year of growth and changes.

Here’s to another year of memories, experiences, and photos to look back on in the future and say, “Dear God, I was a beautiful thing!”