Today I turn thirty-nine. A friend of mine suggested I create a list of thirty-nine things I want to do before I turn forty. I thought this was a great idea…until I sat down three different times to do it.

I soon realized it was impossible. Not because the things I wanted to see, and do, and experience were impossible, but because I have lived my life in such a way that I have already been seeing, and doing, and experiencing the things I would put on any list. I have already been living the life of my dreams.

So I decided to switch gears. Apropos of all the things I’ve already seen, and done, and experienced, I decided to create a list of all the things that I want to keep; things that have served me well, spark joy, and make me a better me. So here it is, my keep list.

Keep:

1. Communicating - I think the biggest lesson I’ve learned is the power of communication. We are so good at creating narratives in our minds and filling in blanks - usually with worst-case-scenario - but it has saved me countless hours of stress and heartache to just ask the question, or express the feeling. I showed up at my boyfriend’s one night and first thing out of my mouth was, “I’m in a bad mood right now. I don’t know why, but I am very grumpy.” He laughed and teased me, and though it pissed me off at first, I soon discovered I had moved out of my bad mood and was feeling much better, and he told me that it was extremely helpful to know that information immediately so that he wasn’t left assuming he said or did something wrong all night.

2. Listening - It is a huge pet peeve of mine when I’m talking to someone and they cut me off, or look at their phone, or do any of a number of things that show me they are not actively engaged in our conversation, so I try hard to give the respect I wish for. And I recognize that this is hard! The more I really started trying to work on this skill, the more I realized I sucked at it as much as the people that triggered me. I still catch myself peeking at my phone during a conversation, or thinking about what I’m going to say next instead of fully listening, but I’m noticing it and correcting it more and and more.

3. Taking up space - One thing I’ve talked with my counselor about a lot is the importance of using my voice. A lot of times I refrain from speaking my mind about something in order to keep the peace and avoid conflict, but in the end i’ve found that just leads to internal conflict I have to deal with later. Now I use phrases like, “I’m not sure if you’re aware that you just…” or “I don’t think you meant anything by this but…” or “I’m not needing or expecting you to do anything about this, but I want to to know that…” It was surprising how hard this was at first, but more surprising what a difference it has made for me.

4. Asking for help - I have been very open on here, and in person, with my struggles and the fact that I have been on different anti-depressants and had different counselors over the years. This past year has been the best year of my life, and I have made some huge internal shifts that I am 100% certain I would have never been able to make on my own. Though I give most of the credit to my current counselor, I know I wouldn’t have made it to him without the help of all the others, or being brave enough to seek out help in the first place.

5. Feeling all the feelings - I used to feel so much shame for being such an emotional person, and as though it was some character deficit, but now I embrace all my emotions. The more books and research on the topic I read, the more I realize that fully feeling your emotions is one of the healthiest things you can do. Most emotions are fleeting, but when you try to repress them they linger longer. It is only in the giving in and going with the flow that we can be released.

6. Trusting my instincts and emotions - I am fascinated by our nervous systems and bodies. Our instincts and emotions are literal messages being sent from our bodies to our brains to warn, and guide us; it’s when we ignore those messages that we start having issues. I have had way more - and more varied - experiences in my life than most people I know, so why would their instincts be more accurate than mine? I have felt so much healthier since I started recognizing and trusting my own power of discernment.

7. Reflecting and checking in with myself - In the constant pressure to do more and be more, there is little time left to just sit and think, so it is very easy to get pushed aside. I’ve started making this a habit whenever I’m driving. “Wow, you just got really upset at that driver going really slow, was it really that driver, or is something else going on?” or “Hmm…my stomach is feeling very tight right now, why could that be?” And doing these reflective posts a few times a year helps me see how far I’ve come, and what I’ve learned, or where I still need to do some work.

8. Doing the best I can - My best is going to look very different from someone else’s best, and that is ok. My best on one day will look very different from my best on another day, and that is also ok because…

9. Repeating: “progress not perfection” - The more I repeat this mantra to myself over the years, the easier it becomes, and the freer I feel. Doing yoga twice a week consistently is better than everyday for a week and then not at all for three. Being a 5% better teacher this year is better than being a 90% better teacher for a week or two and then burning out and regressing to a lower baseline.

10. Being soft - Many times when I feel attacked or hurt, I want to be hard and shut down to punish the person that’s hurting me; like putting on a shell and hiding inside it to protect myself. But I know that will usually only make things worse. Being soft is not my natural default, but it’s becoming more-so as I keep seeing its fruits and effectiveness.

11. Being inspired - So many mornings I am amazed at the beautiful sunrises I get to witness on my way to work. Super early yesterday I admired a stunning full moon over the city. I’ve started noticing the beauty of spiderwebs more as spooky season sneaks up on us. This world is so beautiful, and I hope I never stop seeing that.

12. Seeing miracles - The other day my boyfriend and I had a discussion about miracles and if we believed in them. I explained some of the many miracles I’ve witnessed, and though he didn’t agree that they were technically miracles, I felt more firm in my conviction that they were, and I feel so grateful that I’m able to see them as such so that they keep showing up in my life.

13. Showing gratitude - What an opposite-of-vicious circle this one is! The more I am grateful for, the more I see there is to be grateful for…

14. Choosing joy and light - Once I realized that it was an option to focus on all the love, and light, and joy instead of the depravity, and sin, and hopelessness of trying to be perfect I felt like a literal new person, and I never want to go back to where I was.

15. Being spiritual - I just love the mystery and wisdom behind it all. That some things are just impossible to know, and that’s what makes it so beautiful.

16. Reading everything I want to - I love reading fiction. I love reading non-fiction. I love reading articles and studies. I love reading poetry. I love the knowledge that comes from it all, and the freedom of being able to read one single book on a topic I like just to know a little, or to do a deep-dive and become an expert. All of it makes me better.

17. Being curious and trying new things - This year I took a photography course, and some two-step lessons. I tried drawing and watercolor. I watch documentaries, and ask a lot of questions. Again, all of it makes me better. It also helps me with…

18. Evaluating my values - The older I get, the more I continually look at what I believe and why. With new knowledge and experiences it’s only normal that ideas may change and expand. I want to make sure that I’m not becoming fixed, but that I’m remaining plastic and open to new information.

19. Being open to differences - My boyfriend and I are so vastly different, it is still astonishing to me that we work. But we talk, a lot. We are constantly in open and honest dialogue on topics that we see completely opposite views of. And it is beautiful. We very rarely - if ever - “convince” the other to switch sides, but we are being exposed to different perspectives and ideas and getting glimpses into other worlds. Again, we are so different, but he is literally my favorite person in the world.

20. Saying yes! - Forever I’ve heard that people need to “learn” to say ‘no’ or that saying ‘no’ is hard. In my opinion, saying yes is harder. A year ago I drove over 20 hours round-trip to camp in the freezing cold at Badlands National Park. It would have been so easy to say “no” and lay in my bed and watch tv all weekend, but I wouldn’t have seen the Milky Way with such clarity, or gotten to take amazing photos of such incredible beauty, or had some great bonding time with a friend. I could have said ‘no’ to a second date with my boyfriend because of our aforementioned differences, and because being in a relationship requires a lot of self-work and sacrifice, but then I would have missed out on the greatest thing that’s ever happened to me.

21. Showing up - Life can be hard. Work can suck. People can piss us off. But it can also be fun. And work can be rewarding. And people can show us love that we didn’t know was possible. But we won’t know any of that if we don’t show up.

22. Seeing the good - In people. In situations. In the world. The start of this school year has been rough for me. Recently a former student sought me out to say hi, and tell me, once again, that I was a great teacher and prepared him well. The amount of times I’ve played that exchange in my head this past week as things have gotten rough. Even when we don’t see the good in the moment, we can know it’s there.

23. Setting boundaries - The more I do this with work, with family and friends, with myself and my activities, the lighter I become.

24. Taking time to do nothing - I used to talk to my counselor a lot about how I wanted to just “be” and not feel like I always have to “do”. Society here in the states is a big pusher of doing, but slowly, slowly I have started to untangle myself. Reading books about the importance of boredom on the creativity process has helped with this as well. Now I purposely set aside time to just lay around and stare at the wall, and it is glorious.

25. Moving my body - But on the flip side, it’s also so important that I move my body. As I’ve started paying more attention to my feelings and instincts, I’ve noticed that when I’m restless (frequently), it’s important I get moving. I started working out regularly 9 years ago, and it is one of the greatest things I’ve ever done for myself. Making sure I regularly take walks, or do yoga has also helped my mental and physical health.

26. Dancing - Technically this would fall under moving my body, but it deserves a spot of its own. Dancing cures everything. Dancing is worship. Dancing is abandon. Dancing is vitally important.

27. Creating - In all forms - sewing, collaging, knitting, furniture building, writing, photography. Making things with my hands liberates my soul. It is so immensely frustrating since I am not “artistic”, but I can feel it in my body and my soul when I haven’t created something in a while - it shows up in the form of tension, and anger, and loss.

28. Supporting people I love - Seeing people do the things they are passionate about is one of my favorite things. If there’s a way for me to show up and support that, and witness that beauty, I will because it feeds my soul as well.

29. Splurging on what’s important to me - We will never have enough money. Ever. What I’m more worried about is time, or not living in line with my values. Plus, I’ve found that constant sacrifice leads to burnout, or a brief pendulum swing the other direction that evens it all out anyway.

30. Saving - But also, I’m not completely dumb and naive. I max out my Roth IRA every month. I put a couple hundred in an emergency fund every month. I have KPERS I pay into every month. Could I do more? Sure. Am I doing enough, and still getting to do cool shit and not be completely miserable waiting for a tomorrow that may never come, or I’ll be too old and tired and immobile to enjoy? Yep.

31. Traveling/Exploring - This is the number one thing I spend money on, and will continue to do so because it is the single most enriching, important gift I can give myself. I’ve talked at length on this subject before.

32. Playing - I’ve also talked about this before. Allowing ourselves to shed our “adultness” every now and then, to relive the freedom from responsibility by being fully caught up in a moment of fun and play is so important.

33. Having slumber parties - Sometimes people think it’s being cheap to stay with people you know when you travel instead of just booking a hotel. Spending the night with my friends is one of my favorite things - late night conversations? Morning coffee time together? These are the things that bring life.

34. Wearing what I want - There are so many rules on what you can and can’t wear that are socially appropriate or age appropriate. I decided I don’t care anymore, and haven’t looked back since. Wear the outfit. Don’t wear the bra. Be free.

35. Being cozy - Fuzzy socks, warm robes, and hot drinks are my jam 8 months out of the year. I no longer feel the need to dress up when I go out in the winter - give me all the fluff and fuzz and warmth!

36. Letting go - Also a major item I’ve been working on with my counselor, and I can’t recommend Letting Go: The Pathway of Surrender enough. Letting go of people, letting go of outgrown beliefs, letting go of things that aren’t serving you - it’s not always easy, but practice makes perfect, no?

37. Loving hard - Some people will be attracted to this. Some people will be scared by this (those people usually extricate themselves on their own though). I love my people. I can’t help it. It’s how I’m wired. Even if I don’t see them for months or years at a time, I will tear up thinking of them and how lucky I am to know them. How incredible I have so many people in my life to cry over with gratitude.

38. Surrounding myself with people who “grow me to the clouds”- Zach Bryan’s Sun to Me says, “Find someone who grows flowers in the darkest parts of you…you’ll find someone, someday, somewhere that grows you to the clouds.” Right before I finished typing this I savored the moment of opening 6 different - snail mail! - birthday cards from multiple states and countries, with such beautiful, personal messages, plus tons of texts via social media. Each year my tribe gets a little bit smaller in quantity, but exponentially larger in quality. When you find these people, wow, life will never be the same and you will never settle for less again.

39. Being fully me - I’ve noticed throughout life that the people I’m most attracted to are the people who are confident in who they are; they embrace their quirks and passions. So I’ve tried to start doing that in myself. And you know what? It is so much easier loving accepting and embracing the things that make you you than hating and trying to change yourself.

Cheers to getting older and wiser!